Confessions to old love

 Love...funny how it works right.

  Okay, I loved you through all your wrong doings. I forgave you and let you come back again and again. 12 years later no change. I hope and prayed things would get better. You would come and get me when we were miles apart. Then I realize, I was stronger then you. I was different then you. I was a adult. You were a childish boy who was willing to be selfish with children. You can't be a child when you have kids. 

 So you took. You stole and lied. 

I'm starting to understand why you ran away from family. From your own kids and me. When life gets difficult you run to people that are...well...worse off then you. Have nothing and damage. Mentally I'll that I took a moment and realize, we both are going separate places. 

  So sad but life goes on

At least that's what I tell myself.

Black History Month

 Hey you. Yes you. The parents or just the person who is just reading this. Black history is something that has been taught in schools. There has been amazing parades a long time ago. But now, it is fading out. Black history is not just about leaders and people that change the world you saw in the public eye. It is people behind the scenes you never saw. 

  Credit was given to the white man then the black man or ladies.  So much history has pass about black people that no one wants to talk about the tragic death that came along. The pain they went through. It will probably hunt you that you want to do the right thing towards blacks. Yes, that is history in America but are history started a long time ago way before B.C. no one wants ts to talk about. It's time to talk about it. The world is changing and the truth is slowly coming out. 

  How would you feel if you had Gods precious treasure and you didn't know it. You was lied to and never new until now? Think about that.

   I will post again but it's time to spill the beans. It's time to start telling are kids the true history about blacks. You will cry for us but God is coming back for us. The heat is coming and we can not help you. 

  History will be true on the next blog if you like it or not. If you except it or not.

A mother going back to school

 At this point I have no idea what to say or think. I am working but today I wanted to quit. Today I wanted to through in the towel and say F you. Walking out would have been amazing. Instead I stuck it out and finish what I could. The person that is training sucks as I know myself I was not ready to get behind the desk and multi task everything. It was to much to take in. It was overload to where I started to double guess everything about me. I thought I was slow at learning to maybe I am not cut out to do this job. 

  The a light ball went off in my head after I sat in my car waiting for my mom. I was train to do back office only 3 days when I had no choice to just do it on my 4th day. I got it down but I ask question real fast but the person I was asking was kind of helpful but not really. I got it down good enough to where the next week came and I started to learn the front office. I got some of it down but not the billing and putting this here and there. I was still learning to check peoples insurance. Now on my 3week of work, I didn't expect to go in. Actually take over the front office. I was okay waiting until Friday. I was not ready yet but I still tried. Tell you the truth, I disliked it so much that I wanted to leave. 

  The person that should have been training me left me a couple of times and then  act like I should know what I was doing. I felt like a failure. Then I learn to day is I was not. I learn the back office in 3 days. Did it by myself on the 4th and I could have ran out but I didn't. Seeing how far and how much I learn, I was doing great. Now, I am going to do something for me once. I am willing to go the extra mile. Find another job that is right for me as I go back to school. Yup, that is right. I am going back to school. 

  I shall have the funds and I need to learn something I will enjoy and not put my family in so much danger when it comes to covic-19. I did learn a lot from this job. I have learn I might not be able to pick up everything fast but I can do the job. I will be quitting soon as I feel the space in the office is to small, and I want a space with more open to where I don't be bumping into my coworkers. It's better to know now then later. Wish my luck on my journey as I will be finding another job and going back to school very soon. 

Not happy

 I'm tired. Working everyday for 4hours to coming home to kids and getting things done. I had a point to where I'm tired. I even debated if all of this is worth it? Balancing kids learning at home, taking care of my mom, going out to get things that needs to get got, to appointments, cooking and cleaning that I saw myself forgetting about me. There is no balance for parents to actually go back to work and balance life. 

  I want to work more hours but not everyday. It's cool to get Saturday and Sunday off but what can I really do on those days? Anyways life is still hard. With this pandemic here or not. I'm not going to overwork myself but I really dislike how employers don't do as you need. I said part-time but not everyday. I hope this is temporary. If not I'm going to ask for all day work and get off one day or 2 during the week. I don't like retail but at least they can really work with you. Give you what you need.

Alright I better get back to getting ready for work. I thought I would be happy.

Working momma

 I must say work went well today. A little unsure how I will do but I hope I can get this down. I do like it so far. I might even as if I can stay longer on Thursday because I want to learn the job. I even going to do some homework of my own and look up key words I need to know medically. 

  As I am a exhausted momma, I actually got the kids schedule for this week done for school. I clean up some of my room, wash my daughters hair and was able to cook today. Today was a success I guess. Now I need to make a dinner plan for the rest of the week and next week. 

  Somedays I feel like I am doing a lot but I feel like my life is a little back to normal. To bad the kids can't go back to school yet. Maybe when things get better and cases start to disappear. 

  Not really excited to go to the dentist for my daughter as I know they will be doing a cleaning and looking at the cavity that formed and well I wonder how they are going to do it. It will be a specail way to. We shall see about the game plan. I know, great time to work right? 

  Still haven't gotten my Unemployment as I wait for CO to fix there system, I'm happy I do have a job. Bills of course. 

  Motherhood is going as I try to keep up with life. This time around, I feel like time is going faster. Maybe because I work now. Maybe because I have things to do and appointments to go to. Seeing old coworkers are a maybe as we stay distance apart. It would be good to say hello from a distance.

  As life seems to never surprise me with stress, I always fins away to smile at the end of the day. Winter is almost over as I can not wait. 3 more months of winter. I know the snow will come but I hope I am at home or not to bad on the roads. 

  If you are like me as a single parent, smile because things could be worse.

Mother over worked?

I'm not sure if it matters at all if a mother can be overworked. Is there a such thing? Being a parent isn't easy. Being alone is even tougher. It truly does take a village to raise a child and more. 

  I'm taking a breath. Hoping and praying I can deal with what is ahead. I landed a job but I know I can work for a certain amount of time. Dealing with patients and learning new things on the job is going to be challenging. Coming home and still have to put a smile on my face. Act like everything is fine until bedtime is alot. Homeschooling, patience is the key. I thought about the kids going back to school next but online. I figure it would be less of a challenge I think. When I think about it, I might still need to be there. Technical difficulties might happen. My parents would be here but they are not great with computers. I just have to think everything through and talk to my parents about it. I know Covic-19 won't be going anywhere soon. Then, I have moving. Where do I move or do I move out my parents house. Would that put more stress on me? Probably will since I will come over to take care of my mom anyways. Over thinking is my problem.  

  Maybe I might get some sleep in before the sun goes up. 

  If you are like me as a mom having to make difficult choices during these times, let's pray. Yah will be on time.

Motherhood

Single mom....beginning of January

 Can we all just say we all are tired of this new normal. It's Jan.1.2021. What has really changed? I know we just started in this new month but to be real with you, I can not date. Yes I said it. dating seems to be a mystery to me. I am kind of in to this new guy I am talking to, He seems great but how can i take it to the next level? That next level is actually seeing him in person. Now I can not. Now I have to wait until a month or so because he had to go to Florida for  business trip.  Here I am thinking maybe I should just hold off on love like other people are doing around the world with this Covic-19 is going on. 

   Working seems to be a challenge. I have 3 more months left until I am no longer qualify for unemployment. I am somewhere save where I can still call home but I still have bills to pay. Keeping myself busy is not working anymore. I need supplies to crate certain things. Vblogging is okay but it's something that I feel like I'm using interested a little. 

  I find myself feeling alone. Does any parents feel like that? I know I do/

    Dealing with it is another factor of my life. It sucks a lot of the times. I thought 2020 was going to be my year to break out and meet new people and fall in love and explore life. 

 Instead I was hit with my mother having cancer to Covic-19 lasting loner then I attended it to. Kids was suppose to go to school but instead it's homeschooling. My youngest would have started daycare and I would be working at a great job. No everything is flip. Nowhere I am here at my parents and taking care of my mom as I have to find work some how. Kids need to be taken care of and no baby sisiter. covic-19 is going a little crazy. All I can say is, why didn't I safe up for that. I guess I thought I had more time.

   What will be next? Yes, us parents need to ask are self's what will be next? How do we prepare for it in away where we can stay afloat.. I don't care if you need to be sleeping in your car but how can we protect are selfs, kids? 

  I know this world is f up but parents to parent, we are not done with pandemic. It is just the beginning.